Not as planned 2 - Katsuki, Izuku and Eijiro von Puraido (A/B/O Verse) ================================================================================ Kapitel 2: Izuku – Anger, Emptiness and Self-Hatred --------------------------------------------------- Izuku was exhausted, he was in the hospital for days on end, sleeping on this uncomfortable couch, or sometimes even only a chair, just so he didn’t have to leave Lucia’s side. It was the middle of January and her condition got so much worse. It was as if these fetuses sucked all life out of her as if they were parasites … Izuku didn’t tell her, he couldn’t hurt her so much, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care for the growing life inside of her. He was disgusted by his thoughts. He knew that he shouldn’t think that way. He was supposed to love his children, it was what Lucia wanted. She loved these crea- fetuses so much, she was willing to die for them. She was giving herself up so that these damn- that these babies could live. He should be a responsible sire and take care of his offspring. He knew that his behavior was wrong. It wasn’t their fault that they hadn’t used contraception. He was aware of all of those facts. Still, he hated them as much as he hated himself for letting this happen. Why was he not strong enough to convince Lucia otherwise? He would lose her soon, and the looming dread of death got worse with any minute that passed. She slept a lot these times, and Izuku was afraid that she just wouldn’t wake up anymore. Her belly was heavily swollen and it looked unnatural and strange. Her complexion was so much lighter than usual. It was almost as if these … fetuses even drained her skin color out of her. She was barely able to lift her arms anymore since she didn’t have the strength to carry the heavy metal of her prosthetics. Yet, she kept smiling at him, whenever she was awake. She hummed and smiled, and told him, how great of a father he would be to these little ones. They deserved the world. Izuku felt so bad, so disgusted, so repulsed by his own thoughts, he wasn’t sure if he could ever love those … fetuses, if they killed her. He knew he should be happy about the new life soon to be born. He should feel the excitement. But there was nothing. Angst possessed his mind, it crept through his whole body and it made him numb. He was shutting out everything that could potentially hurt him. He did that while living in Thailand. He felt from day to day more robotic. Was he preparing for the forthcoming bond breaking? Was he preparing to lose the love of his life? Was he therefore unable to love anything that had to do with her death? How was he supposed to take care of these fetuses, when they had killed her? He really didn’t know and he was mentally so drained, that he couldn’t even think of how to continue. With the dread of her death, more unpleasant things came back. Everything that he was able to block out before, made a return in his mind. His thoughts drifted off to the hot sandy days in the desert. He remembered his time as a mercenary more and more, especially with the Ridgways around. Once, a slamming door sent him down in a spiral of panic, when he thought for a second, that it was a gunshot. Whenever he saw something metallic reflect the light, he was reminded of the torture instruments of The Doctor. One look at a scalpel sent cold sweat down his back. He tried to keep it together, but it was for naught. He had thought those were distant memories that wouldn't bother him again, but his distraction from that, was fading away, and therefore the dark snippets of those past days resurfaced. Izuku flinched when the door opened, he was so scared at every small sound, it was pathetic. He looked over and saw Kairi, she brought him a coffee. “You should sleep, you look terrible,” she murmured. He took the coffee but shook his head. “No, what if something happens when I am away?” Kairi sat down on the chair next to Izuku. “But what if you pass out from sleep deprivation and then something happens? That would be worse, wouldn’t it? Go to sleep, I stay with her and I’ll call you if something happens.” Izuku downed the coffee, he shook his head. He was close to tears but he could hold them back. No, no time for tears, he wasn’t a crybaby anymore. They sat next to each other in silence, he knew that Kairi was right, he should sleep at least a little bit. But he didn’t want to. He was so afraid. He hid his face in his palm. “You can cry if you want,” Kairi murmured, “no one’s going to hold it against you.” He shook his head and looked at her. “No, I am not going to cry anymore. I don’t deserve it …” He grimaced, a pained expression spread over his face. They continued to sit in silence, they both watched the sleeping Lucia, she slept nowadays for over fifteen hours per day. Kairi had promised to stay with them, as long as Lucia was in the hospital. Even though she was certain it wouldn’t do much, she promised to give her blood to Lucia, after the birth. She didn’t want to jeopardize the life of the fetuses. Izuku leaned back in the chair and looked at the ceiling. He reminiscence over everything he had done with Lucia, all the good times, but also the bad times. It wasn’t just “bad times”, he corrected himself, it was horrible times. They had met in such misery … A shudder run down his body and he visibly jolted. Kairi raised her eyebrows, she mostly watched him. “What are you thinking about?” “My time with her. But … just a moment ago it was the damn prison camp, I thought I was done with this shit, but I lied to myself.” Kairi nodded. “Of course, it is not going away just like that, you never even got real therapy for that, right?” “I was seeing a therapist after my memories came back, but I feel it did nothing to help me. I’m still fucked up in the head.” “I apologize for that,” she murmured. “I never made sure you got proper therapy after something like that. I just assumed you would be okay.” She scoffed about her past actions. “Why?” “Because I never bothered to get therapy for anything, and I just projected it on everyone else. It was foolish of me to think, that you could deal with it as I could deal with it.” “Could you really? I mean, you died so much …” She thought about it for some time. She eventually shrugged. “Death is … a part of my life, my relationship with death is sure strange. But still, you suffered the most, and I failed to give you any comfort or help afterward. This was terrible of me, and I see now, that I should have never done this. After that, I shouldn’t have taken you back to Africa.” “I wanted to go … I wanted to help the people. I thought I was prepared. And … I was wrong,” he stroked through his beard. A scoff escaped him. “When I first got my quirk, I was so excited, finally I could become a hero … But instead …,” he shook his head, “instead I became this here.” “You were still better than any of us. You wanted to help people, and not just kill some motherfuckers. You didn’t have to do it, yet you came with us to make a difference. That was pretty heroic,” she tried to cheer him up, but she knew that it wouldn’t work so easily. “But what good is it? I’m a mess now, I’m bitter and hateful. What we did to The Doctor … My former self would have never agreed to any of that! I’m afraid of what person I will become if Lucia … if she really dies,” he was desperate. “And worse, I ghosted my friends for most of the time, because I couldn’t get my lazy ass up to call them. If Kacchan hadn’t invited me to his wedding, I would have not made contact with them on my own. I’m a piece of garbage because I don’t even value my friends. They all seemed so happy to see me, but I’m not fucking oblivious. Even though Kacchan and Eijiro were happy to have me around at the wedding, some of them were so distant. I was nothing more than a stranger to them. I can’t even hold it against them,” he exhaled. “I’m a stranger to myself, too.” “I’m sorry, I can’t give you tips in terms of friends. I always kept shallow relationships. And I always held my enemies closer than my friends.” “I wouldn’t even know how they will react if I came back to Japan. I feel so damn out of it, sometimes I wonder if it was a good thing at all that I left.” Kairi looked at him, she knew that she couldn’t give him any advice in that regard. She knew that it was weighing heavily on him. It was just that her lack of empathy made it hard for her to empathize with him. “I wonder if they would ever accept me back in Japan, with how much I changed … Will they accept the new me?” He wondered. “Maybe with time … and if you explain to them, why you are the way you are,” she murmured. He scoffed. “Sure, I tell them I that I was tortured and turned into a murderer and rapist and that I am now fucked up in the head. Of course, they will understand.” He was bitter. Kairi raised her eyebrows. “Boy, come on, let’s get some fresh air. Miles will sit with Lucia and guard her.” She had a demanding tone in her voice. With a huff, Izuku stood up, pushing his fists into the pockets of his jacket. He didn’t want to leave, but he also knew that she would probably make him come with her, regardless. He was too exhausted to deal with that. She stood up and they walked out of the room. Miles was in front of the door and when they came out, he walked in to take over the watch. They walked out of the hospital and the cool January night air filled Izuku’s lungs, he hadn’t been out for days and the burning stench of disinfectant was such a contrast to the clarity of the night air. He took some deep breaths and let out a frustrated growl. He walked behind the older alpha, listening to the crunching sounds their boots made when they walked over the thin layer of snow that covered the ground. Icy crystal flakes fell softly down on them, nestling in their hair, wettening it, but neither of them cared. They arrived at a bench and with her sleeve, Kairi wiped away some of the snow, before she sat down. Izuku did the same and for a minute they just sat there, but then Kairi pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Do you want one?” She offered him. “Sure, why the fuck not …,” he took one of the cigarettes and waited for her to light it. He had never smoked before, but he just needed something to do. Kairi lit the cigarettes and then they continued to sit in silence. Izuku inhaled the smoke, trying to suppress a cough when it burned his lungs. “How do you really feel about your pups?” Kairi asked eventually. “I can feel that this is something that’s eating you up from the inside.” The greenette looked at the thin thread of smoke that was rising from the tip of the cigarette. “Do you want the truth?” “Of course.” “I think, I hate them …” His eyes were dead when he said that, he was still struggling with this truth, but now that he had spoken it out loud, it felt more real. “I’m a piece of scum … I’m the worst of the worst. Who hates his own pups?” Silently, the tears spilled finally over. This realization of how low he had fallen still shocked him. Kairi said nothing. She mustered him, inhaling deeply the smoke of her cigarette. She held it in her lungs for quite some time, before she let it out in smoke rings. “Me … well, I did, not anymore but a one point I did,” she murmured. Izuku looked over. He mustered the prime alpha. “Is that so? Why?” “My first was conceived under very difficult circumstances and I hated it to be pregnant. It took me years to finally accept her. But I eventually grew past my self that was able to hate their own offspring and I started to see the good that came out of it.” “But what good can come out of them, when they are killing my wife?” He asked bitterly. “It’s not like they do it intentionally, I won’t tell you that you have to accept them, everyone is different in this regard, but you should give them a chance. You never know what will come out of it. Maybe you will be surprised.” She stared at the ground in front of her feet. “How did you manage to turn your hate around?” He questioned, taking another drag of his cigarette. “… I got revenge on the people who made me conceive her in the first place. I associated her with those people and I had to correct that,” she was quiet for a moment, “so probably nothing you can do.” “True …” He sighed. “And the general feelings of hate? Self-loathing? And all the other bullshit? How am I supposed to stay sane when Lucia is gone? Everything comes back. I get more and more nightmares! I can hear it again, The Doctor’s laugh …” He gritted his teeth and balled his right hand into a fist. “The cracking of your skull under this fist … Ian’s muffled groans …” “You’re having PTSD … maybe even complex PTSD,” Kairi murmured. “Nothing unexpected after the things you experienced.” “But how do I stop it? Whenever someone slams a door, I think it’s a fucking gunshot!” “Probably the best way is more therapy. So, basically, all the things I don’t do …” Kairi chuffed humorlessly. “Please do me a favor, when you’re back in Japan. Please seek professional help. Don’t make the mistakes I made, please don’t become one of the living dead.” “I feel it’s a bit too late for that …” He groaned and brushed through his damp hair. “I wouldn’t know what to tell a therapist …” “Anything that bothers you …” She raised her eyebrows and looked at him. “Funny, how do I explain to anyone that I feel fucked up? Now that I’m aware of it again, my insides feel strange when I remember that these are not my organs. How could anyone understand how this feels? Tell me?!” “I can’t …” “See?! Not even you understand this!” He got angrier. “And this anger? How do you deal with this anger? What if I can’t control myself? What if I take my anger out on my pups … on these fetuses? Or babies or whatever? What if I’m unable to stop? It comes so suddenly! Whenever I stare for too long at Lucia’s swollen belly, this rage overcomes me. Why am I so angry all the time?” “Anger can be a symptom of PTSD too … But as I said, my ways of dealing with it, are not the ways you should use in any way.” “And why not?” He looked over to her. He let the butt of the cigarette fall to the ground and stomped on it. “Because it’s unhealthy and immoral. And some of it even outright impossible for you to do.” She offered him another smoke and he took it. “For example?” “I keep a log with my darkest, and most brutal revenge fantasies, anytime I feel the anger coming. You know that I’m easily irritated by the smallest things, if it’s people that anger me, I write down in the log what I wish I could do with them. It’s not a good coping mechanism, you shouldn’t do that, because, sometimes I act upon those thoughts.” She had a straight face while saying this, Izuku knew what she meant, but it didn’t even shock him anymore. “And the impossible?” “I kill myself whenever it gets too much. Whenever my brain is overflowed with flashbacks I just cut the line. It’s like I’m reset when I wake up again. Most deaths I had, prior to the prison camp, were suicides because I couldn’t get myself under control,” she told him. “Fuck, again nothing I can do.” “Well, you could write down your feelings and thoughts. Maybe it helps you to better focus,” she suggested. “You think so? What if I want to act upon my fantasies then?” His voice got darker. Kairi mustered him for a good long while, taking a drag from her cigarette. “Izuku, you are not a killer. You might feel like that, at the moment, but you are not.” “Oh, c’mon! Who are you kidding? I killed you. Even if you tell me, that this didn’t count, we both know this is not true. I fucking bashed your head with my fist into a bloody pulp. I had your gore all over me, and you tell me, I’m not a fucking killer?” He tried to keep his voice down, in case someone heard them, but it got deeper instead, a low growl escaped his lips. The other prime alpha was unimpressed by that, however. “Do you have the general urge to kill someone, just because he looked at you the wrong way?” She asked, straight-faced. “No! Of course not, I just want to say, I am capable of doing so! I …,” he lowered his voice even more, “I fucking let it happen that a man, however despicable he was, got tortured and killed. A good person would have intervened!” “Maybe … But he would have been dead one way or the other. And he sent you through hell and back.” “That’s my point! I didn’t care! My old self would have. I would have never let it happen that someone got killed … And it doesn’t even shock me anymore when you talk so casually about murdering people. It’s just … whatever …” He shrugged helplessly. “How does it feel?” Kairi questioned. “Shitty, I feel cold, unable to connect to anything. It’s like I’m drowning as if I’m in the middle of this cold, black sea, my limbs are getting numb from the cold water. I struggle to keep myself above the surface, but at the same time, I know that I can’t do this forever. And with every day, I get weaker and weaker. Sometimes, I get pulled underwater, but I am able to resurface after some time. It’s hard because I can feel the icy water filling my lungs as I get pulled deeper and deeper underwater,” he described. “When I’m underwater, I feel nothing, above the surface is all the pain, the awful thoughts that are in my head, but when I’m under, then everything fades to black. And … I don’t want to feel like this, but at the same time, my body craves this Nothingness. It wants to shut everything out. Everything that could hurt me …,” tears ran over his cheeks, leaving wet streaks on them. Kairi listened carefully to him, she knew the feeling all too well. This comfortable numbness, the escape from the harsh reality. “You can choose the easy way out by just embracing the darkness. But this would make you one of the living dead in exchange. It’s easier to live like that for sure, it helped me survive for forty-five years. But is it the right way?” She asked him. “Probably not … I don’t want to become like you. I don’t want to lose my basic emotions, my empathy. I want to go back to the way I used to be, but I just can’t! Because if I let it all in, then I’m surely gonna break. I’m scared to face those emotions …” The older alpha nodded. “I know …” Izuku cried more while sitting next to her. She didn’t say anything anymore and just let him cry. There was nothing she could realistically do for him. She internally cursed herself for ruining yet another life. All she had wanted to do was to help him, but here he was, struggling to stay sane. Maybe she should have refused to take the job of babysitting a bunch of teens back then altogether. They did not come to any conclusion of what Izuku should do this night, and the greenette doubted that he would find one in the near future. All he could do was to stay with his wife for as long as he could. He swallowed his feelings of hatred for the unborn life in her down and tried to focus on the love he felt for her. It became harder with the minute, but that was all he could do … Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)